Journalist Anon-san (journalist_anon) wrote,
Journalist Anon-san
journalist_anon

Ohmiya Stays Mum About Meet-Ups; Akanishi Becomes Rubber Rep

Arashi's Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Bong Ninomiya Kazunari and Ohno Satoshi are keeping quiet about their relationship. After the whirlwind romance of Ohno and prepubescent pipsqueak Chinen Yuri went south in the public eye, the combi known as Ohmiya SK has downplayed reports that they are engaged in a real relationship. With ten years of fan service under their completely unnecessary belts, Nino and Ohno are experts at toying with fans and the press alike.

While out promoting the DVD release of his drama special "Papa, When Will I Debut?" Ninomiya refused to answer questions about his relationship with Ohno. "One more question about me banging Leader, and I vow I will randomly poison train station bentos with cyanide. I dare you," Ninomiya declared to a pants-wetting crowd of journalists. He then lit a cigarette and put it out on a cameraman's face before getting into his car and heading for Ohno's home.

KAT-TUN's genital wart epicenter Akanishi Jin has signed on to be the latest spokesman for Osaka-based condom company Rabu Rabu Raincoats. "I love f---ing," Akanishi announced at a press conference outside of a Tokyo love hotel this morning. "But you never know who's been in there before. That's why I'm proud to support Rabu Rabu. I'll do my best to remember to wear them."

With word of Akanishi's campaign spreading like wildfire or like gonorrhea in a crowded university dorm, fans and creepy molesters on the subway have snatched up Rabu Rabu Raincoats by the dozen. Enthusiastic and deluded fangirl A-chan claims that "maybe one day Jin will do the bump and grind with me. I'm waiting for you, Jin!" She then proceeded to wave her latest gynecological visit results in the air while screaming "Yatta!" repeatedly.

Rabu Rabu Raincoats stock jumped on the Tokyo Stock Exchange to an incredible 8200 yen per share, a jump of 1400%. The government announced its disappointment, citing the declining birthrate. Akanishi reportedly "just wants to keep f---ing."
Tags: akanishi jin, chinen yuri, ninomiya kazunari, ohno satoshi
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