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With the tabloids in a frenzy over a potential Yamashita Tomohisa solo career, it appears that Kitagawa’s cadre of conniving collaborators have struck again. With fangirls fearing the dissolution of NEWS, the real truth has been covered up, and only this hard-hitting haven of journalistic integrity has discovered what Johnny and Co. are so desperately hiding.

It seems that Yamashita’s rumored solo career-planning dinner with Kitagawa and Warner Music’s Lachie Rutherford was nothing but a cover up for Yamashita’s latest financial fiasco. The gullible Yamapi was approached by Church of Scientology members at some point prior to the recording of his album Supergood, Superbad and has actually become a member of the alleged cult, funneling his CD and tour earnings toward the Church in order to “move along the Bridge to Total Freedom.” Yamapi, now nearly bankrupt, has started to pilfer funds from Kitagawa’s coffers in order to continue his religious journey and hopefully "meet a few aliens along the way."

Since Yamashita’s Scientology party don’t stop, Kitagawa has enlisted the help of Rutherford, a fleet of lawyers, and several Shinto priests to try and get his beloved moneymaking Yamapi away from the cult’s clutches before all of the green he’s earned ends up lining Tom Cruise’s pockets. Keep an eye on this one, folks.

Hold on to your fourteen dollar classy ass pants because everyone’s favorite Twitter twit Akanishi Jin will be signing on to appear in American TV sensation Glee this fall on the Fox network. In a statement, Akanishi expressed how excited he is for the opportunity to play “Other Other Asian” in the coming season’s premiere which has a theme of Captain and Tennille.

“I get to stand in the background and nod approvingly while Lea Michele sings Love Will Keep Us Together. And then I think the sassy Hispanic lesbian punches me in the balls. I’m so happy for this big break!” Akanishi said. While some worry that the role is a bit of a downgrade from his turns in 47 Ronin and dramatic masterpiece Yukan Club, fans are responding with a big “hell chyeaaa.”

“i cant wait 2 see @jin_akanishi play other other azn. maybe he n mike chang will make out so kame will b jelly lol,” said Twitterer @xxakameizrealzxx. Tune in this fall!
Fans of impish trickster Ninomiya Kazunari are praying at shrines and lighting candles as rumors swirl about a brain disease set to claim the youthful idol’s life. The most reputable Chinese blogs, translated into Swahili, back into Chinese, then into Thai, and finally into Esperanto have alleged that Ninomiya will die from a degenerative brain ailment before 2014.

But the rumors are really just rumors according to acclaimed neuroscientist K-sensei, who recently performed a series of tests on Arashi’s hand-flailing phenom. “Ninomiya-san is not dying, but he is suffering from a brain ailment. And I use the term 'suffering' loosely for someone with such a problem,” K-sensei replied via his office in Shinjuku.

Ninomiya’s so-called brain disease has actually been diagnosed as megalomania, a condition where one holds delusional fantasies of wealth and power. “In a word, he has extreme potential for evil,” K-sensei noted. “He probably shouldn’t be in the public spotlight. He’s dangerous! Why won’t you listen to me?”

Chinese blogs immediately dismissed K-sensei’s claims as “fan fiction.”

The less evil Yamashita Tomohisa recently visited Hong Kong, causing a ruckus at the airport. Fangirls were stepped on, reporters were elbowed, and airport staff were annoyed. But Hong Kong authorities are keeping mum about another incident that occurred once Yamashita departed the airport.

The heartthrob had been tasked with visiting sites of historical and cultural interest by nerdy bandmate Kato Shigeaki. While snapping photos of the Tian Tan Buddha, Yamashita was spotted by a trio of lonely housewives on vacation. The cougars allegedly chased Yamashita all around Lantau Island in the manner of a Benny Hill sketch.

Yamashita’s security detail has denied the incident outright, but the NEWS leader returned to Tokyo “covered in lipstick kisses and probably suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.” Kato Shigeaki is apparently “livid” that Yamashita failed to take any pictures.
Arashi, currently creating a storm throughout the world and within fangirl panties, is set to host the previously prestigious Kohaku Uta Gassen this coming New Year’s, and the announcement has Japan in an uproar. Many angry callers, mostly old folks, have pestered NHK staff about “those young whippersnappers” hosting.

“Kohaku is a joke now,” an anonymous poster claimed on an NHK message board. “With the Arashi boys and those New York City boys, it’s ruining the program’s integrity. Bring back the Kohaku I remember! Bring back Leah Dizon!”

But there’s been nary a peep from the secret underground bunker where Arashi is usually stored in between variety tapings and Music Station appearances. Is Kohaku just another pawn in Arashi’s world domination chess game? Rumors are swirling about Arashi releasing 11 singles in 2011 just because they can. Are they getting too big for their plastic see-through britches?

American Chris Hansen and his Dateline program have called on Johnny’s management to issue a warning to Pedobear’s Pen Pal Takizawa Hideaki. His “Taki CHANnel,” initially designed to showcase the newest juniors and behind the scenes information, has taken a sudden turn in recent weeks.

The newest addition to the site, “Senpai Kohai Snuggle Fest,” is Tackey’s personal message forum where juniors can participate in a virtual pajama party with Takizawa. Rumors are swirling about “virtual hair braiding” and “virtual pillow fights” and even “virtual seven minutes in heaven.”

Takizawa has vehemently denied that his web portal encourages pedophilia and that his pajama parties are “completely innocent.” He added that any rumors about him building a Japanese-style Neverland Ranch in Shizuoka Prefecture are “baseless.”
Part-time lover and full-time drunkard Nishikido Ryo is the latest Johnny’s heartthrob to shill alcohol to the masses. With Arashi doing CMs for chick beer, marketing execs at Blue Goose Shochu have asked hard partying Nishikido to promote their drink. Though the agency denies that Nishikido ever goes out drinking except for wine tastings with his Bible study group, clubs in the Roppongi area are already stocking up on Blue Goose in hopes that the drink’s newest spokesman will patronize their business.

“Nishikido-kun was in here last week playing beer pong against some Australians,” claims club owner S-san. “He’s one of our best customers, unless you’re an ugly girl he doesn’t want to have sex with.”

Nishikido himself had no comment on his new CM because he is, according to sources, “getting into character for the commercial by seeing how much shochu he can drink before he blacks out in the gutter.”

Though some claim the most heartbreaking KAT-TUN news of the year was the departure of paparats victim Akanishi Jin from the group, the latest defeat of perennial loser Kamenashi Kazuya may give Jin a run for his American money.

Kamenashi’s adaptation of The Sound of Music has languished in production hell for nearly a year, undergoing script changes, cast changes, and budgeting concerns. Rumor has it that Kamenashi himself was planning to cast an Akanishi lookalike to play a Nazi who gets dropkicked by his peaceful nun Maria. But how do you solve a problem like no funding?

By canceling the entire operation, it appears. Kamenashi now refuses to take questions about the project on his radio show as the subject allegedly “brings bitter, bitter tears to his eyes” before he steers the conversation to talk of the best type of jewelry to buy an older woman. What will Kamenashi’s next project be? Will it ever see the light of day? Stay tuned.
With diplomatic tensions between China and Japan, senior singers SMAP have canceled their concert dates in Shanghai. But is the political hubbub only a smokescreen for the true danger that awaited the group on the mainland?

According to sources, Inagaki Goro uncovered a very dangerous plot by a group of extreme Chinese fans while overhearing a member of the sect bragging about it at his local hair salon. The psychotic devotees, the Goro Goro Chop Brigade, are dedicated to Inagaki and his precious hair. Rumor has it that they would have abducted him in Shanghai and snipped off a piece of his hair in hopes of cloning his DNA and producing offspring.

Bandmate Katori Shingo addressed the rumors, saying that “the press will make up anything” and that “SMAP very much regrets not being able to visit Shanghai. And it has nothing to do with Goro-chan’s hair or dozens of potential Goro-chans running around China. Which would be terrifying.”

In other international news, solo sexpot Akanishi Jin is returning to the United States in November for a series of concert dates after apparently getting enough asses in seats during his previous visit to Los Angeles. But what fans are really talking about are the rumored concert goods to be sold only in America.

In addition to the standard concert pamphlet, photo files, and glittery fans, Akanishi’s Yellow Gold Tour 3010 (editor’s note: concert will not be held in the distant future) will feature thongs emblazoned with Akanishi’s face, pen lights in the shape of a voluptuous naked woman, and a bright yellow and gold tub of edible body chocolate. Japanese fan reactions have ranged from disgust to overwrought jealousy.

Akanishi had no official comment on these rumored goods, but in one of his video segments for UTB, he “giggled like a wee girl” when asked if there would be a few surprises for his American fans to purchase. Perhaps he has already sampled the body chocolate.
Strange news out of the United States today as a vocal group of parents have launched complaints about the all around nice guys from Kansai, Kinki Kids. “We don’t know who they are,” the spokesman for attention-seeking fringe religious group ‘Jesus Judges You’ expressed in a statement, “but their name is immoral, and they should go back to Japan with their kinky sex music!”

Many are confused as to how Jesus Judges You discovered the existence of the Kinki Kids as they have never released music or performed in the United States. Member Domoto Koichi rarely leaves his own home. In a statement released in the form of a lonely guitar ballad, Domoto Tsuyoshi expressed his disappointment over the American backlash. The song will be released as a single with a limited edition press containing a map of Japan’s regions and their names. Domoto Koichi has not participated in this project as he is “deeply emotionally upset” and “cannot fathom” how anyone could actually dislike him.

An attempt to crash the Jesus Judges You website was foiled as infighting amongst Tsuyoshi-only and Koichi-only fans stalled the hacking.

Arashi golden guy Matsumoto Jun is reportedly behaving strangely as he prepares to star in Fuji TV’s summer Getsu 9 drama. With internet rumors about his ability to carry the timeslot and the decline of ratings across the board, Matsumoto has turned to health food and natural healing methods to “center his essence” and allow him to focus on filming.

According to reports, Matsumoto is subsisting on a diet of acai berry juice and dried banana chips and has ordered nearly a million yen worth of “life crystals” from a New Age store in the Kawasaki area. These crystals are purported to sap the owner of all negative energy and influences. An anonymous source, who everyone knows is actually the sniveling Antichrist, Ninomiya Kazunari, has already stolen several crystals from Matsumoto only to replace them “with a bunch of Pop Rocks he glued together.”

Matsumoto’s manager has denied all of these reports and instead asked everyone to buy all sixty-one editions of Arashi’s newest album, The Panties I am Looking At.
Having both dodged serious injury in their recent fender benders, NEWS’ nancy boy Tegoshi Yuya and Arashi’s marvelous moron Matsumoto Jun are teaming up to film a few public service announcements encouraging safe driving on the busy streets of Tokyo. An agency spokesman was quoted, saying that “anyone can get into a collision. These CMs will hopefully save lives and bring more revenue to the agency. Someone has to pay for Johnny-san’s eventual carbonite freezing.”

Tegoshi will appear in a CM tentatively titled “Always Yield to Foreigners” where he will demonstrate the proper way to yield to other vehicles. It will wrap up with Tegoshi and an attractive blonde foreigner exchanging phone numbers and insurance information after a minor accident, showing the correct procedure. Matsumoto, meanwhile, will appear in “Watch the Road, Minna-san.” Matsumoto will demonstrate a list of auto no-no’s, including applying mascara while driving, wearing slippery, bedazzled flip flops, and giving a hand job to a male passenger on the Shuto Expressway.

The CMs will start airing next month.

V6 proud papa Inohara Yoshihiko is allegedly “foaming at the mouth with unbridled rage” this week after a leaked memo from agency management made its way to his hands. The memo outlines a plan to debut Inohara’s infant son (born 2 Mar) as “V6-Months” in the second half of the year. A debut single would consist of the child’s cries remixed with additional vocals from 20th Century. “Auto-tune is a must,” the memo stated.

Agency top brass are denying the truthiness of the memo, but Inohara isn’t buying it. He released a statement yesterday saying “the only reason Kimura’s kids haven’t debuted is because they’re girls, but they’ll find a way. Stay the hell away from my kid.” Will this affect the sales of their new album, due out at the end of the month?
SMAP’s king of fabulousness Kimura Takuya held a press conference this morning to announce that he is the newest face of McDonalds fast food restaurants – but not in Japan. Kimura will be filming commercials to be aired in Thailand and Cambodia in full Ronald McDonald clown make-up and wearing the famous yellow jumpsuit.

“As a globally recognizable face, we think Mr. Kimura’s involvement will help expand our restaurant’s appeal throughout southeast Asia,” the fast food giant announced in a statement. Already, Japanese SMAP fans are outraged that they won’t get to see the Ronald McKimutaku CMs – some have already booked tickets to Bangkok just to watch the commercial live in their hotel rooms.

“I bet he’ll look even sexier as a clown!” Nagoya SMAP superfan R-chan declared while in line for fourteen Big Macs.

With the Japanese news industry in a seeming uproar over divalicious Matsumoto Jun tapping someone’s bumper with his car, another star’s fender bender has mostly gone unreported. Red Ranger Shibutani Subaru was left red in the face when he crashed his bicycle into a parked Subaru hatchback.

According to eyewitness reports in suburban Osaka, Shibutani was attempting to show off to cycling partner Maruyama Ryuhei and was heard screaming “Look Maru, no hands!” before crashing. Shibutani passed a police breathalyzer after the incident and was left with a scraped knee and wounded pride. The car was undamaged, and Shibutani’s bike will only need a new front tire.

“He crashed into a Subaru,” Yasuda Shota commented while buying kleenex in bulk. “You can’t make this stuff up.”
Though most of western Europe had fallen under the sway of his girlish good looks and iron fist, it appears that Tegoleon has decided to turn over a new leaf in 2010. Reverting back to his real name, Tegoshi Yuya wants to focus on drama filming “because with this cast, we need all the ratings we can get.”

The drama, Yamato Nobody Really Wants to Type All That Out, received decent ratings in its first week thanks to Tegoshi’s efforts. His partner, Masuda Takahisa, is taking over command temporarily, although he’d rather be nomming on some gyoza than pondering global hegemony. This may be all the Kato Kingdom needs to loosen Tegoshi’s stranglehold on Europe.

Tegoshi’s Yamato Whatever co-star, Kamenashi Kazuya has been extremely busy. Balancing his KAT-TUN duties and drama commitments have brought considerable delays to his independent musical project, The Sound of Kame. Another setback came this week when co-star Nagase Tomoya’s girlfriend demanded the nixing of a planned love scene.

“I honestly don’t remember a hardcore fellatio scene in The Sound of Music,” Aibu Saki announced in a statement this week. “I’d like director Kamenashi to eliminate any such perverted plans. Independent cinema my a--.”

Kamenashi has not commented on Aibu’s request as he is still busy seeking funding for the CGI-intensive scene where Nagase’s Captain von Trapp immolates his party guests with a flamethrower after the children sing “So Long, Farewell.”
In news that most media outlets seem to be ignoring, Band-Aids movie heartthrob and syphilis survivor Akanishi Jin has saved South Korea from the anguish of losing several citizens to a psychotic serial killer. Photos recently surfaced of Akanishi on holiday in Korea – what they don’t show is what happened earlier.

Quickly tiring of being recognized while attempting to commit murder, NEWS and Kanjani 8 Double Stuffer Nishikido Ryo fled to Korea for New Year’s hoping to slaughter a few innocents to appease his bloodlust. Nishikido’s hunger for the kill is a poorly kept secret in the Johnny’s Jimusho, but his popularity and the agency’s deep pockets have kept him on stage and out of jail for many years.

Akanishi allegedly followed his friend Nishikido to Korea and captured him, bounty hunter style, while he was attempting to strangle an old lady in a Seoul KFC. Fans were thrilled by what they thought was a commercial shoot. Nishikido has received a “mild slap on the wrist” for not controlling his urges while Akanishi is busy wearing hats to places of historical and cultural importance.

Akanishi’s bandmate and serial joke killer Taguchi Junnosuke was rushed to the emergency room earlier this week after a filming for Cartoon KAT-TUN went seriously awry on the streets of Shibuya. Taguchi had been dared 5000 yen by his bandmates to tap dance outside of the Shibuya 109 store for five hours without breaks.

Apparently Taguchi’s manager had not been consulted, and only a small but sadistic staff from Cartoon KAT-TUN were at the filming with him. Despite complaints of soreness and his head “feeling like it had been kicked by someone wearing golf shoes,” staff urged Taguchi to continue.

Finally, he passed out and was rushed to hospital where he was diagnosed with dehydration and shin splints. He is expected to make a full recovery – however, he passed out after 4 hours, 23 minutes and will not receive any money for his efforts.

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